Is Sex Before Dating A Must?
People in high school date each other strangely. They spend time near each other, and then, by the function of osmosis, decide they like one another. Then, out of thin air, a relationship forms.
From acquaintances to a couple before the lunch bell rings.
It’s no coincidence that high school relationships are notoriously volatile. They last about a month on average, and even the sweethearts that make it out of school get a year and a half on average. We seasoned veterans roll our eyes when we hear about the dream couple that met in chemistry class and divined they were soulmates over a bunsen burner.
Why is this? Well, teenagers are incredibly flippant, emotional, and unpredictable. They have no experience dealing with relationships, and their only model for romantic relationships are the media and their parents. Not exactly a great recipe.
But, more importantly, they don’t have a courting phase. They go from 0 to 100. And for a lot of people, that attitude stays around for the rest of their lives. As adults, they adopt that overeager, desperate method for developing relationships.
Essentially, they’re signing a contract before reading it.
A lot of people have experience with this. Creepy guys give themselves the boyfriend label before the girl even knows their last name. Girls that are convinced they want the Disney fantasy to fall in their lap on the first date. I’ve had blank stares, weird looks, and confused reactions when I say that I’d only date someone after sleeping with them ten individual times.
Ten. Times.
Honestly. I could push that benchmark further, but it sounds neat enough, and at once or twice per week, that’s a couple of months of us just having fun and getting to know one another before I’m ready to take things seriously.
If that doesn’t sound appealing enough, here are six reasons you should have sex before dating becomes a serious relationship.
- You get to try before you buy.
This is the point of the whole concept. If you’ve ever dated someone you didn’t like or that turned out to be a crappy person, you’d know how hopeless it feels to find yourself trapped in a bad relationship.
It’s impossible to know how well the two of you get along emotionally, spiritually, or physically, without giving things a shot while the pressure is off. Being free to see other people or part ways without drama/too many hurt feelings is a much better alternative than diving in head first because it’s romantic (read: foolhardy).
2. Commitment is a bigger investment than sex.
There are a lot of reasons to not sleep with someone. Safety, comfort, attraction, hygiene, boundaries, feelings… It’s easy to talk yourself out of that vulnerable and potentially risky situation. Upping your body count by one can be a big deal to some people, and the consequences of that can be extreme in the wrong circumstances.
BUT IN ALL OF THOSE CASES, DATING THAT PERSON IS EVEN WORSE!!!
If you don’t trust them enough to give them an hour of your time in a vulnerable state, why on earth would you be able to give them a label and attach yourself to them?? In the same way, you wouldn’t just let someone you didn’t trust into your house, it makes absolutely no sense to walk up to that same person and hand them the keys.
Like it or not, relationships involve taking responsibility for your partner, and if you are seeing too many red flags for a horizontal tango, maybe don’t get hitched.
3. Sexual compatibility is key.
Dead bedrooms suck. One of the big benefits of dating someone is that you, ideally, have a life partner that likes getting naked as much as you do. If you decide to jump headfirst into a relationship, you won’t know until you’re there.
Maybe they have a foot fetish. Maybe you like sex three times a day and they simply don’t have the electrolytes to keep up. Someone might like the lights on, whilst the other prefers them off. These issues can be worked around, and much of a good relationship is talking through the disagreements you have.
But really, wouldn’t it make sense to know first?
4. They could be weird, clingy, or over-emotional.
Sex has a crazy way of pulling out people’s red flags. In some ways, it’s the ultimate act of vulnerability, both physical and emotional. You see the other person as they are, and you find out if the sum of your parts (no pun intended) is greater than being alone.
Or the person could just be a complete nutjob.
They might be overly clingy, completely attached, or otherwise obsessive. You might find out they cry before, during, or after. They might get the wrong idea and start attaching labels, or worse still, wanting to have “the talk”. If you two aren’t going to be on the same page, it’ll be after sex.
Pillow talk has a way of demonstrating how a person feels in a very honest way. It’s worth paying attention to.
5. You get to see if they’re properly interested.
Put simply, people lie. People want to get laid, and they say just about anything until the deed is done. If you’re screening someone to be hubby or wifey, it’s a little hard when the odds of them being genuine are a coin flip.
But, after they get what they want, you get to see them honestly. Yes, it can hurt to be ghosted after a one-night stand, but at the very least you got your answer.
If someone sticks around the morning after, makes you pancakes, and still wants to hang out when the booty is no longer on offer, you have an actual connection on your hands.
6. Bad sex is better than a good breakup.
And finally, my trump card. Worst-case scenario time. The sex is bad. Like, genuinely shocking. It hurts when it goes in, he pops his champagne in a matter of seconds, not minutes, refuses to elaborate with his hands or mouth, rolls over, and immediately starts snoring.
Not super thrilling. But, compared to an emotionally taxing breakup, where even in the best-case scenario, someone is probably crying, I will take my emotionally distant and sexually underwhelming man any day of the week.
Breakups suck. They are painful. You and I both know that we go out of our way to avoid the hurt that comes from them. There’s no such thing as a good breakup. The same way that ice cream and puppies can never really be bad. It just can’t be done.
The worst sex in the world is a million times better than the best breakup you’ll ever have.
Your partner is one of the biggest decisions you can make. They’re your best friend, your mutual masturbator, your emotional rock, and the person you share almost everything with. Those connections take time and effort to foster. You need to work on them. And yes, absolutely and completely, you cannot rush them.
So have a little sex. Be safe out there. Find someone you like, and keep them around until you can both be sure. The surprise is never worth the disappointment.
