Introduction
Sex sells.
Hard to get around that fact. If you’ve ever seen women in various states of undress across the various portals of the internet, you’ll have witnessed a robust marketing technique involving leveraging male desire.
It’s interesting how easily the human brain is hijacked. We can consider ourselves the most rational, level-headed people known to man, and then suddenly have our lizard brain possessed by pretty people. Most men understand that feeling oh-so-well, to the point women are often baffled by how simply we can be distracted by the visual, the distracting and the seductive.
What I want to do in this essay is to understand how the feminine can captivate and inspire desire – the visual is by no means the whole picture when it comes to attraction. In doing so, I hope to find something out about the kinds of partners I tend to prefer.
Let’s investigate.
Archetypes
When it comes to (relatively traditional) spectrums of attraction, we know that there are patterns. Whilst it cannot be said with certainty that a certain person or feature will be attractive to every person, we do see as a culture a number of semi-consistent trends that seem to captivate more attention than others.
Some signals are relatively undisputed, like basic hygiene and grooming. But even these traits, as obvious as it may sound, have exceptions. Think of the unwashed lumberjack, a sweaty female volleyball player, or a fireman caked in soot and grime. Human desire does not follow strict rules – we find our feelings inspired by a much wider range of characteristics than we might give ourselves credit for in the waking light of day.
You might also think of certain features, like big boobs and asses that are all the rage right now. But a simple look at first world Western beauty standards from as little as twenty years ago will show you pencil-thin starlets with as much fat on them as a turkey breast. The point is – we aren’t immutably fixed in our desires. Our preferences get shaped by all manner of things as culture, public perception, your own experiences, and a great many other things.
So what is attractive then? How are we supposed to be attractive when the decision seems to be so far out of our control? There are two factors I firmly believe play a massive part – archetypes and influence.
First things first – archetypes. In this context, the term represents the idea of the stereotypes and associations that come along with externally visible features. Put more simply, it’s the idea someone gets about your personality from simply looking at or taking you at face value.
Why Archetypes Are Attractive
Look at the examples I gave earlier – a lumberjack, an athlete and a fireman. Notice I did not describe their physical attributes at all. I simply evoked an association and let your mind create the image for me. This is how the human brain works – desperately grasping at any semblance of pattern recognition to know how to process the world and make decisions.
Whether those archetypes are attractive to you or not depends entirely on your perception, experience with and stereotypes of the concepts I brought up. If all you know are ugly, women beating, alcoholic lumberjacks, you may be considerably more turned off than the woman who reads romance novels about a strong man living in a wooded cabin.
So, with that in mind, it makes sense to align ourselves most with archetypes that accurately represent us, as well as carry positive associations. It’s what can be meant by ‘just be yourself’ and ‘put your best foot forward’. We want to give off attractive associations using the mental shortcuts that activate when we’re looked at or spoken to.
What Does This Have To Do With Goth Chicks?
You may be rightfully curious about the title of this article – fair enough.
In the last handful of years, goth girls have transcended their previous reputation as simply antisocial outsiders. Thanks to the internet and its tendency to pervert almost anything it touches, the female goth archetype has been given a hell of a culture makeover. I shit you not, this image came from a wikipedia page. This trend is universal.
Other basement-dwelling internet power users likely know exactly what I’m talking about. Goth girls are – stereotypically – slim where it counts but with baffling proportions elsewhere on their figure. They cover themselves in incredibly distinct makeup. They dress with a specific style and presentation that demonstrates a feminine allure yet also distinct personal identity. They are associated with confidence, assertiveness, dominance and a robustly anything-but-shy view on sexuality, with ties to kink and sex-positive communities and labels,
In short – this stereotype of women directly signals everything designed to captivate male desire. Through careful association and positioning, this archetype engages all of the feelings that a lonely, typically unsatisfied and inexperienced population of men might be craving, consciously or otherwise. The internet generation never stood a chance.
Attractive Partners
Think about it – how incredible does an assertive, confident and robustly sexual partner with a distinct personality and sense of style sound? Someone that through counter-culture signalling has all at once associated themselves with many very attractive traits, alongside a veneer of ‘I’m not like the other girls’ that allows them to stand out from the pack.
A combination of the distinctly feminine and the visibly masculine. It should be no surprise that the archetype has taken over internet culture – it’s designed to be captivating. Sex certainly sells, but even more so when the wielder is able to communicate so much with simply their exteriors.
The point is not that goths in specific are the panacea of attractiveness. It is simply a loophole of presentation – the close alignment with so many attractive traits can be a very, very helpful asset, even if you personally uphold none of the associated qualities. We can shortcut our presentation by adding qualities with strong positive associations to the type of person we are seeking. Vain, materialistic men wear wealth on their wrists or other clothing, to attract women to whom that signal means a great deal. The archetype of wealth, in that case, is being signalled as a call and response.
Your presentation can be more than simple jeans and a t-shirt. Align with things you care about, or wish to signal to those around you, and reap the benefits afforded to you by associations in media, culture and our romantic and sexual backgrounds.
Influence & Desire
It cannot be argued that the sex work industry’s customer base is entirely dominated by men. For better or worse, something about that portion of the intersexual dynamic skews very heavily towards men. We consume more, pay for more, pursue more in the sexual realm.
For me personally, and for what I’d wager is a decent chunk of men worldwide, that desire is somewhat out of our control. Few men ever experience a degree of desire or overt lust from women that would put them in the driver’s seat. It is a decidedly feminine power to be able to seduce, influence and inflame the desire of their potential partners.
As evidence, we only need look at the same community – those in sex work make it their entire profession to develop skills and practices that allow them to take male lust and turn it into their own strength.
Inciting & Instigating
Now, despite your personal feelings on the sex work industry, I suspect we can all mostly agree that a potential partner that knows exactly what buttons to push is very appealing. Whether you lean dominant or submissive, in every relationship there is the opportunity to excite your partner, to act in ways you know energizes and turns them on. To do so is not a favour or a chore, it is an expression of personal power.
When the man sweeps the woman off her feet at the end of every romcom, it is not to simply show that he is capable or to perform a rote action for the woman’s sake. He does so as an expression of his feelings, romantic or sexual, to his partner.
And that is the part we, male or female, find so captivating.
Your personal preferences can vary entirely across the spectrum. I am not speaking of tactics or manoeuvres to deceive or manipulate. I am describing an approach to relationships – one that involves taking responsibility for your partner’s passion. One cannot be expected to muster enthusiasm for an empty room or blank canvas. It is precisely because of other people and the various allures that a partner can bring that we prefer our relationships to have more than one person.
Passion is Attractive
Enthusiasm IS attractive.
Confidence IS attractive.
Passion IS attractive.
There are times and places where the above qualities are appropriate, but in almost all cases, when we are looking to form REAL relationships and be at our most vulnerable, romantically or sexually, we want a partner who can demonstrate passion, confidence and enthusiasm.
It is entirely compelling to see your partner be assertive – to know they have the skills, the understanding and the interest to inflame your desire and to make you feel things you would unmistakeably not experience without them.
It is not a difficult skill. It simply requires effort.
We are scared of getting hurt. We are self-preservers first and foremost. It can be entirely harrowing to know your effort was wasted on someone unwilling to return it.
Bravery is attractive.
To offer your love, your passion, and to become adept at inspiring those same qualities in your partner, even knowing it opens you up to vulnerability and the possibility of being hurt – that is a brave thing to do.
The best things in life are worth being brave for.
What Does Any Of That Mean?
If the idea of being assertive, proactive and emotionally robust seems daunting, that’s fair. Luckily, your target is likely to be your favourite person – your partner.
What do they like? How do they show and receive love? What turns them on?
The sex work industry hijacks this process by inciting lust. We turn to porn because it is endlessly performative and representative of our desires. We can find any amount of nuance we desire – there is infinite variety in consumption. Our truest desires tend to spring to the surface through the media we consume. Power dynamics, relationship styles, attractive qualities, these things are mandatory knowledge, not just your own, but your partner’s also.
There are simple moments in a relationship where two people merely just find that they care for the other person. Your job is to notice them, and to wilfully and intentionally strive to recreate those patterns. Your partner likes something, and that something is likely something you’ve possessed in the past or have the ability to possess in the future. They would not care for you if that were not true.
When it is time to be romantic, use gestures of love that your partner values, rather than your own. When it is time to be sexual, use your partner’s preference to inspire their desire in a way they will dream about that night, and recall years later.
Many say desire cannot be negotiated. That is false. Desire can be instigated, cajoled and summoned, if the intent is there. Willingness on both sides is the real barrier. A lack of effort in a relationship will bleed into these sectors first. It can be entirely telling when a partner takes little interest in your interest.
Conclusions
Relationships are often discussed as being 50-50. The burdens of performance are meant to be placed on both sides. I disagree, to an extent. We should avoid keeping score, but tirelessly work to beat our partner’s. The idea of 50-50 implies you have something left in the tank. I prefer 100-100.
I hope to have inspired some of you to renew your interest in your partners, and to inspire their own towards you.
This article has attempted to prove two things – that archetypes and influence are invaluable for attraction and indispensable for relationships.
Develop and precisely understand your archetypes to attract someone.
Learn to incite desire – to inspire feelings and take responsibility for your partner’s emotions. That’s how you keep someone.
