He doesn’t feel things in the way you do.
His emotions are closed off, hidden to the world just as much as he hides them from himself.
He looks at you with affection one moment, but say one wrong word and you can see the coldness behind his eyes.
Something bad had to happen to create this person. Emotionally, he’s a husk. He doesn’t care if you cry, if you hurt, if your emotions rise up and overwhelm you. Empathy may as well not even be in his DNA.
Looking back on your time together, you can see the red flags. He talked about things, knowing you’d feel uneasy or insecure. He would never respond the way you wanted or say the things you desperately wanted to hear.
Just staring at him makes you feel a longing for how it was in the beginning. You felt loved, cherished, admired, needed. His affection was boundless, and you could do no wrong. Until you did. Somewhere along the way, you hit a wall, and he stopped looking at you like that.
How can anyone be like this, you think to yourself…
There’s no communication. At least, none that makes sense. His words have double meanings, always laden with barbs and points. He has endless justifications, rationalizations, excuses, reasons why he can do no wrong. You’re a bad person for doubting him. He doesn’t deserve to be criticized so harshly. What are you possibly thinking?
He wishes you wouldn’t talk to your friends as much. They’re bad influences, he says. They don’t understand the relationship the way you two do. You see the truth, he says. He’s not a bad person, he’s just misunderstood. And if you could stop with all the fucking bullshit, he’d be able to make you feel the way you did at the beginning.
He’s sorry for swearing.
He’s sorry for getting angry. He didn’t mean it. It just happens to him sometimes, you know how he gets. It wasn’t your fault. Except, it was. Don’t do that again. Don’t push him to that point. It is your fault. How could you do that to him?
You’re being unreasonable. Don’t have so many expectations. Who’s filling your head with all this Disney princess nonsense? That’s not what real love looks like. The real love like the two of you have. Right? He loves you, right? You know that.
Reality starts to bend. It flips and twists and things that made sense don’t make sense anymore. You start to doubt yourself, your family, everything around you. His words beat on the door of your psyche, begging you to let them in. Eventually, he wins. Your mind is broken, and you start to accept the twisted state of reality he pushes on you.
His delusion is now yours too.
He loves you though, he swears. Even while he’s inside the other girl, he was only thinking about you. Even when he was on the other side of town, ignoring your messages, playing mind games, fucking someone else, drawing you further down the rabbit hole, he really just loves you.
If you’d only forgive him. He’s a misunderstood man. He doesn’t deserve a second chance, but oh, please, won’t you just give him one? Did I say second? I meant third, fourth, fifth. It’s really a formality at this point. You know you’re going back to him.
You can’t do any better than him. He’s the best you’ll ever get. He understands you, loves you.
Wait, who’s thought was that? You certainly don’t think that. You know he’s not good for you. So where did that come from?
Oh, shit.
He’s in your head.
It’s been years since you saw him. Years since you talked. But he’s still there. Holding on.
His words still echo in your mind, still, rattle around your brain. You can still see him, holding you close whilst lying to you with a smile on his face. He loved you. Probably. Maybe. Can he even love? Does he even know what it is? Was anything true?
Stop.
It’s been long enough. He doesn’t deserve the attention. But, try as you might, you can’t forget him. The rollercoaster ended a long time ago, but you never truly got off. And now, every guy looks like him. Even just a little bit. You see him in others.
His laugh, his mannerisms, the way he held you. It’s still in your mind, somewhere. And it’s still poisoning your present and future.
But he doesn’t care. He barely even remembers you. To him, it was two short years. He was faithful for three months of them. Not that he’d ever tell you.
He never really loved you. Not the way you wanted. He wasn’t, isn’t capable.
Maybe he never will be. And now, you aren’t either.
